I Often Wonder About Myself...

Thursday, December 1


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Sad And Somewhat Morbid Post

Lets see if I can write this without having a nervous breakdown…

Last night, I was getting Alicia and Branden’s beds ready for them to hop in. As I was laying out the blanket that I hand made for Alicia, I couldn’t help but think if it would be the last time “I” ever did that for her. As a mother, some of your worst fears are seeing your kids hurt, or watching them get into the wrong crowd, or teased, or sick. But I have noticed that I have not worried about that as much. I have worried more about them growing up without a mommy.

Branden and I are close. He and I have a bond that I have only seen with a select few others. I don’t know what we would do without eachother! He’s my baby boy. And I need to be here for Alicia and he future friends. I need to warn her friends that she has some real bitchy qualities and let them know that her love is often confused with anger. That she is a kind and loving soul and should not be taken seriously at all times.

Most if all, the thought of someone else having to raise my children…it’s almost sickening. Day care workers or new spouse, it’s all the same.

So as I tried so hard to hide it from them, they knew. I left as quickly as I could and went in after I calmed down a bit. By then, Alicia was fast asleep. She looked so beautiful and peaceful all curled up nice and warm in her little bed. Branden on the other hand was wide awake.

Like my mom told me earlier that night on the phone, he and I are connected, and when I am upset, sick or stressed, he feels it and he loses sleep over it. Weather I want to see it, believe it or not… He does. And last night I did see it.

I laid down in his bed with him for a bit and as I silently sobbed away into the blanket. He didn’t say a word, he just lie there and stroked my hair while he gave me the occasional kiss on the cheek or hand. It’s almost as if he didn’t want me to know that he knew how I was feeling. Last night, he was one of the ultimate comforts I have ever received in my life.

If you believe in fait, or the *other side* then you may understand me when I tell you it was as thought he was someone else from my past. I recently lost my Great Aunt *NiNi* and when I was younger that is how she used to comfort me. She would lay me down and just be there. She would never say much, if anything. She just knew to *be there * for/with me. And believe me when I say that last night, I felt like she was right there with me and Branden.

Yesterday was emotional in many ways. While I was out running errands, I had to drive past Dawn’s old apartment. It took my breath away, just for a second, but it happened. I have subconsciously avoided that route, down Red Bug Lake RD, to get anywhere over the past 10 months. After the first 2 weeks or so, I never found it in me to go that way. But yesterday I passed by and as if I was going to see her in her car going to work or something, I looked for her. When I didn’t see her, I was almost let down. But that is something that we all must face at one point in time of our lives. We must all face death and the pain it carries with it. Yet, at the same time, we will all learn how to see, as morbid as this will sound, the joy in it as well. Not that death is joyous, however, we learn to see through to the *happy times* of our loved ones whom may have *passed*.

With that, I believe I have given enough morbidity and insight for a month! So I will go for now. Take care and again thank you all for all of the support you have given us these past few weeks. If we do not express it enough, please know that we do appreciate it more than you will ever conceive.

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


10:27 AM
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Monday, November 28


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…Something On The Radio…



Ok, let’s about Sex Ed for a minutes, shall we? I’m listening to the radio, and ya know how they are always giving little clips for the following morning shows? Well, they wanted to know if our children should be taught Sex Ed more in school or at home by the parents.

Here’s Mel’s theory…

If you let the school do the dirty work, the potential of it all going to hell in a hand bag could be catastrophic. Think about it for a second. Kids these days are having sex at earlier and earlier ages. When I was in high school, I remember 2 couples that got expelled for having sex AT SCHOOL during school hours. My 12 year old sister comes home from her second week of 6th grade and there had been 6 or so suspensions – expulsions for various reasons (including sexual B.S)

Now if we as parents allow the school system to fully educate our youth on sex, they are going to be more prone to “trying it all out” after class. However, if we as parents decide to educate them ourselves, then the ever so famous; “Ewww! Mom, that’s sick” attitude is more likely to emerge.

Maybe I am wrong here, but I see it as it going either way. If it’s done in school, then the kids could get shy about it all and back down. But that is just one batch of kids. At home I feel they would be more likely to want to keep it to themselves and fester on it for a while. Coming from parents can be an embarrassing yet enlightening thing. It all depends on your relationship with your child and trying to find the right time to try and have *the talk*. Personally I don’t think there ever is a *right time*, but that’s just my opinion, I could be wrong.

I don’t know. I just think that the schools are taking over too much of *our parental roles*. Yet, at the same time, we as parents are becoming lazier on these issues and allowing the schools to take over. What to do, what to do?

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


6:01 PM
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????

D
E
S
U
F
N
O
C

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


9:20 AM
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Saturday, November 26


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EMINEM LYRICS


"When I'm Gone"


Yeah...It's my life...
My own words I guess...

[Verse 1]
Have you ever loved someone so much, you'd give an arm for?
Not the expression, no, literally give an arm for?
When they know they're your heart
And you know you were their armour
And you will destroy anyone who would try to harm 'em
But what happens when karma, turns right around and bites you?
And everything you stand for, turns on you, despite you?
What happens when you become the main source of a pain?
"Daddy look what I made", Dad's gotta go catch a plane"
Daddy where's Mommy? I can't find Mommy where is she?"
I don't know go play Hailie, baby, your Daddy's busy
Daddy's writing this song, this song ain't gonna write itself
I'll give you one underdog then you gotta swing by yourself
Then turn right around on that song and tell her you love her
And put hands on her mother, who's a spitting image of her
That's Slim Shady, yeah baby, Slim Shady's crazy
Shady made me, but tonight Shady's rocka-by-baby...

[Chorus]
And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain
Just smile back
And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain
Just smile back...

[Verse 2]
I keep having this dream, I'm pushin' Hailie on the swing
She keeps screaming, she don't want me to sing
"You're making Mommy cry, why? Why is Mommy crying?"
Baby, Daddy ain't leaving no more, "Daddy you're lying
"You always say that, you always say this is the last time
"But you ain't leaving no more, Daddy you're mine"
She's piling boxes in front of the door trying to block it
"Daddy please, Daddy don't leave, Daddy - no stop it!"
Goes in her pocket, pulls out a tiny necklace locket
It's got a picture, "this'll keep you safe Daddy, take it withcha'"
I look up, it's just me standing in the mirror
These fuckin' walls must be talking, cuz man I can hear 'em
They're saying "You've got one more chance to do right" - and it's tonight.
Now go out there and show that you love 'em before it's too late
And just as I go to walk out of my bedroom door
It's turns to a stage, they're gone, and this spotlight is on
And I'm singing...

[Chorus]
And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain
Just smile back
And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain
Just smile back...

[Verse 3]
Sixty thousand people, all jumping out their seat
The curtain closes, they're throwing roses at my feet
I take a bow and thank you all for coming out
They're screaming so loud, I take one last look at the crowd
I glance down, I don't believe what I'm seeing
"Daddy it's me, help Mommy, her wrists are bleeding,"
But baby we're in Sweden, how did you get to Sweden?
"I followed you Daddy, you told me that you weren't leavin'
"You lied to me Dad, and now you make Mommy sad"
And I bought you this coin, it says 'Number One Dad'
"That's all I wanted, I just want to give you this coin
"I get the point - fine, me and Mommy are gone"
But baby wait, "it's too late Dad, you made the choice
"Now go up there and show 'em that you love 'em more than us"
That's what they want, they want you Marshall, they keep.. screamin' your name
It's no wonder you can't go to sleep, just take another pill
Yeah, I bet you you will. You rap about it, yeah, word, k-keep it real
I hear applause, all this time I couldn't see
How could it be, that the curtain is closing on me
I turn around, find a gun on the ground, cock it
Put it to my brain and scream "die Shady" and pop it
The sky darkens, my life flashes, the plane that I was supposed to be on crashes and burns to ashes
That's when I wake up, alarm clock's ringin', there's birds singin'
It's Spring and Hailie's outside swinging, I walk right up to Kim and kiss her
Tell her I miss her, Hailie just smiles and winks at her little sister.
Almost as if to say..

[Chorus/Outro]
And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain
Just smile back
And when I'm gone, just carry on, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice
Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain
Just smile back...

[Curtains closing and sounds of footsteps]


~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


9:22 AM
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Tuesday, November 22


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...and so the story goes...

A little like this.

Friday:
I woke up VERY yucky and went to one of the several ERs in the greater Orlando area. I must have looked like ass because I hobbled in and next thing I know a nurse throws me in a wheel chair and takes me straight back to the ER. So I am given meds and fluids while I wait for my chest X-Rays. After that the doctor decides to keep me overnight and get a CT of my belly because of the pain I had been having. Later that night I get taken in for the CT. I heard nothing until...

Saturday Afternoon:
The doc comes in and tells me that they found free fluid around my uterus. What uterus? I had a hysterectomy 2 flippin years ago. He's all like "I know, but that's what the radiologist said he saw". So because he doesn't know where this fluid is coming from or even what kind of "fluid" it is, he wants a ultrasound done. Now we move on to...

Sunday Late Afternoon:
"Your labs are a little off so you are going to stay until tomorrow and you need to take these horse pills" The horse pills are the ever so popular potassium pills I get whenever I am sick. For some reason my potassium falls every time I get sick and end up in the hospital. Later that day my labs are getting better...YAY! That night around 8 or so I am sent down to ultrasound. Now anyone who has ever had one of these done knows damn well that if you ask them to tell you whats what you will hear something like "I am not a doctor so I can't tell you anything because if I give you the wrong information I could get into big trouble". So I save the woman the trouble and asked her to tell me if she could see the fluids and what not. Well a minute or so into this shin-dig, I look at the monitor and gasped in horror! "Is that my ovary?" "Yeah". Ho;y Shit Balls Batman! The thing was GINORMOUS!

Monday Late Morning:
"Well, you have a hemorrhagic ovarian cyst"? What? Yeah, so I get sent home. WTF? Why didn't they take it out. I have no way to pass this normally, remember no uterus here dudes.

So yeah, I went to the hospital today and got a copy of all my radiology crap that they did over the past few days, including the written reports. At the end of the ultrasound report it says something like, the mistaken uterus was the patient's ovary, it is very enlarged and shifted to the midline of the pelvic region. Oh yeah, did I mention this thing is bleeding?

Then on the CT report, I read that I have a piece of lose floating bone in one of my vetibral spaces. And I am so messed up it's not even funny. I am crooked! My whole body is whacked out of alignment and I am tilting, that is why I am in so much pain. So if you don't hear from me for a few days it is because I am trying to find answers and talking to doctors about what to do about it all.

Any suggestions? Please?

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


8:34 PM
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Monday, November 21


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Hospitals SUCK!!!!

Sorry about my week long gap.

I have been in the hospital because I have a giant hemorrhagic cyst on one of my ovaries. I have no clue what's going on and I am dazed and desufnoc!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So yea, I will keep you posted and all, but I need to find out first, and seeing as how my docs are being back-ass-wards I wouldn't hold my beath if I were you. I sure as hell am not.

Tah!

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


11:21 PM
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Monday, November 14


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Kids Worry Too

One thing that parents will never understand is that there lives have a significant impact on their children. Parents, when your children are late coming home, or you are unable to track them down, don't you freak out and start to think the worst after a while? Well allow me to let you in on a little secret we kids have been hiding from you. WE DO THE SAME FU#*%NG THING!!!!

Yeah, kids worry about their moms and dads all the time. Without our parents we would have less than what we need and want. Children woun't give you the saticfaction of knowing differently but, we hold a lot of what our parents say up high. We do care what you think and say, to an extent, but we do care. You are our parents for crying out loud.

My mommy and I care VERY close. We know more about eachother than we care to ever know in a lietime. My mom is my best friend, the one person I know I can talk to and she will listen and give me her opinion. Now I may not like her opinion and that's when I will tell her where to go, but that is the beauty of our relationship.

Anyrate! When I can't get ahold of mom, I freak, I call hospitals and police stations. I call her friends, well he 1 friend whom happens to also be my friend. And she knows I worry like that. So why the hell does she do things to piss me off? Yesterday she was drinking and called up our mutual friend and told her how piss ass drunk she was and she needed to go to sleep. Well, K is all like, well ok I will call you in a little bit to see how you are. After that she couldn't get her on the phone. She calls me and tells me what had happened and all I can think of is the fact that mom had some Xanax left and if she was that drunk and took them then she is fucked.

So me and K both redialed mom's number for over an hour and she never answered the phone. So K got in the car and went over there. Mom was passed out on the floor. And now she is fine. But this wouldn't have happened if the guys she was dating wasn't such a liar. This guy is a real catch let me tell you. So yeah, he shows up at moms last night and mom told me that she would call me is she could later. I was all like oh hells no! So I called her a million times and she took the phone off the hook just to spite me and K. Now she is annoied at the very fact that we a shit about her.

It will be all good in about a week or so. Or until I kick this guy in the balls and sick my uncles on his dumb ass!

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


10:28 AM
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Sunday, November 13


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Blah, Blah, Blah

So I have come to the realization that life is one rough journey. Or card game if you really want to go through that one all over again. Mom meets this guy and he is really nice. He has a great sense of humor and really is an easy going guy. With that said, over the past 3 months or so we have been waiting for the other shoe to drop. It did. He is a liar! A big fat hairy liar! He told mom that he had never been married and doesn’t have any kids.

To make a long ass story short… He has been married, and still is and he has a 3 year old with the woman. Mom got suspicious when he *found out he had a son* and did a background check on him. He was married to the baby’s momma and owns a house with her and they have their mail sent to the same damn PO Box and everything. So he is so in the dog house it isn’t even funny. Mom told him he is no longer welcomed at her house and there is nothing there for him and to go the hell away. Go Momma Doo!!!!

On to bigger and better things.

I am so tired! I have not been sleeping well and my migraines are back and mad as hell. I really don’t have a whole lot to say right now. I am not in one of my analytical moods today so there will not be any funny or long rants here. But I will leave you with this:

A teacher asked her class,
"What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said,
"All I want out of life is four little animals."
The teacher asked,
"Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?"
The little girl said,
"A mink on my back! , a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and of course, I'll need a jackass to pay for all of it." The teacher fainted.

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


12:41 PM
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Friday, November 11


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Told You So

I changed my template! Told ya I was going to do something with it. :-) Any-rate. I did my nails last night and they came out really good. I got a new type of fake nails and they are kinda thin and clearish. So after I filed them down and stuff they looked so real I didn't paint them, I just used a clear top coat.

Shit! Gotta Go....

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


9:43 AM
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Thursday, November 10


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The Great Resolve...

...and no I am not talking about carpet cleaner. The *Resolve* being that I have *discarded* a morals, values, and friendship from the hand I was dealt a few days ago. If you didn't get that then you need to scroll through my posts and read Trying Times. I can't promise you will come out with any understanding what-so-ever, but it's worth a shot if you are interested.

Today is a somewhat decent day for me. Not a whole lot of drama and I am not stressin' over as much as I had been. My one friend is doing ok, one of the 2 family/friends that went into surgery is fine and the other is still in... so that is relieving. Other than that I have a pounding headach from my sinuses and I just want to take a nap, but I can't. I know as soon as I fall asleep or get comfy Alicia is going to wake up or it will be time to go and get Branden from school.

For once in my life I am at a loss for conversation right now. I think it is just my headache or something. I guess for now I will go and play with my blog colors or something. Maybe even change my template! I haven't changed this template since I got it in Sept. of 2001! I have messed with the colors but it's the same old temp. that blogger DC'ed.

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


12:00 PM
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Wednesday, November 9


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:CAUTION:
This post contains strong language and is not intended for a young audience. Parental Discretion is advised.


...Dennis Leary...

*...Most people think like sucks, and then you die. I disagree, I think life sucks, then ya get cancer, then you go into chemo therapy, you lose loose all your hair feel bad about yourself. Then all of a sudden the cancer goes into remission, you come out; you look good, you feel good, you're goin' great, then all of a sudden you have a stroke, you can't move your right side. And one day you step off the curb on 68th by Lincoln Centre and B A N G you get hit by a bus, and then maybe... you die.*

Gotta love the man. He is so morbid and out spoken! I love it! Yeah, so I have had an *off* day. A close friend of mine is going into surgery tomorrow and she is a little *off* about it all. Plus I would love to be there for her but her whole (well most) of her family hates my every living cell. A grand feeling let me tell you.

Now on to my mother. I am going to feel really fucking bad if something has happened to her but here we go. She flew up to PA to drive back down with her new man. That's fine, I don't care. While she was up there she went to go see my Grandma who she hasn't seen since we left NY in 1991. I talked to her on Sunday when she got to Grandma's and I've heard nothing since. She knows how I am! If she is 3 hours late home from work I start calling the hospital and checking the FHP website. So her not calling because she thinks I'll be hounding her man is far beyond fucked up! Yeah, that's right, she is afraid to call me from his cell because I have caller ID on mine and when she calls me then I will have his number so I can hunt her down from now on. Dumbass! *67!!!! I told her about it.

So that is like my huge ass dilemma right now. I just worry about her all the time. No one else worries about her like they should, so I have to do it. It gets on her nerves sometimes, this I know and understand, but come on. So now she is God knows where, doing God knows what and here I am worrying about her and she could give 2 shits and a fuck.

Then there is the management (or lack there of) at APC. God they are so inconsiderate and fucking S T U P I D! These retards couldn't write a schedule to wipe their asses! Oh and don't get me started on my brother-in-law.

Wow. That turned into more of a heated blog than I intended on. I will leave you with a lil' Ludacris...

...*Yea-uh, here we go here we go here we go
Talk about that
Word of Mouf baby!!
Yeuh, yeuh yeuh yeuh yeuh!
Here we go, here we go
Ludacris, 4-Ize, what you want now now now now
[Ludacris]
Check it
You see I live a life filled with chicken and malt liquor
And women that are real life scratch'n'sniff stickers
I shoot videos and get knobs slobbed in trailers
Then hit stage and break a leg like Lawrence Taylor
You pricks is all talk, and it's bad for ya health
See I ain't gotta say SHIT!
Money speaks for itself
With all models I make I'm Great like five Lakes
You got rims on ya truck? Man I got rims in my skates!
You rollin on dubs, I roll right in da clubs
Dirtiest home with more rings than ya tub
You think it's all practical jokes and big bloopers
But I smack bitches with no titties that work at Hooters
Just get a couple of girls that shakin they thangs
Then I, put 'em on camera and cut two frames
With some gasoline drawers I'll be goin to hell
Ludacris, fuck like a nigga fresh out of jail!
I got junkyard dawgs, I'm rowdier than Rod Piper
And my baby's assed out, cause I rub my cars with her diapers
So you can pray for now if you sinned in the past
"Word of Mouf" time to wipe that silly grin off yo' ass
[4-Ize]
These rap cats is soft like R&B singers
It's 4-Ize, I've worked for wings and chicken fingers
I reps mo' parts so Chi-Town could get seen
I'm a Dirty Bird now but I keep shit clean
I rip mean face niggaz one by one
Or two by two, I'll take 'em however they come
Instead of a gun, I'll pull out a stick from woodworkin
The black Hacksaw Jim Duggin stay lurkin
Creepin, I'm in the shadows, the nightshade
You want the tail in the back or, a light fade?
Cause Tony Scissorhands is the barber, the butcher
I kill ya smoke a blunt and forget where I put ya
I'm Soopafly like Snuka, I smack hoes
The black rose with the dozen attack flows
I rock Shaq's clothes when I alter beast
Power up, get big, it's Disturbin' Tha Peace*


~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


3:01 PM
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Monday, November 7


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...Trying time...

There comes a time in everyone's life when they have to make sacrifices. We all know they are necessary in life, they must be done. But what happens if you don't want to? What if you just leave it alone and hope it all works out? Like somehow, fait will find a place for all of the misplaced shit you accumulate during your life.

All the junk you hold onto knowing you can easily get rid of it all and call it a day will somehow vanish to make it easier on you. All the negative energy finds a place to go. All of the people who have hurt you magically disappear from your life just as easily as they came in. Would that be better?

No. When it comes down to it, you are the one playing the hand you have been dealt. It is time for you to decide if you want to stick it out. Fold or not, bluff or give. The game master is out there dealing you a hand that only you are able to play with. You need to play it out until the game is over.

Anyone who has played a good game of Rummy or Poker will know it isn't an easy thing to do. One wrong move and you are screwed. Screwed hard at that, with the distinct possibility of needing to restart. This is how I am looking at life now. A game, a card game. The dealer knows what you are getting in this game and he wants to see how you are going to play it out. Instead of suits and face cards, you have money, friends, enemies, places, adventures, love, and so much more. At any given moment your new hand contains all new cards. It is virtually impossible for even the best of card counters to memorize all these cards due to the fact that they are always changing and you never know when the game master is going to invent a whole new deck.

I know that was a lot of blabbering to try and keep up with, but bare with me, I am going through a lot right now.

I'll let you in on my current hand, I have one friend, a little love... ok, a lot, education, family, values, family-values, integrity and morals. I have, equally, a lot to gain and lose. I don't wanna be the one just to love and lose. I don't want to decide the fait of a life long friendship, I really don't want to think about where my morals and values are conflicting in this hand, and I am having the hardest time trying to figure out how the f*&k I am going to get my ass back in school.

I miss school! Who would have thought I would ever utter those very words? LOL. The only thing I know right now is that I am a mom and I have to figure out how to get my daughter to stop biting her brother. I spent a good portion of my day singing and for those of you who know me, that has always been my comfort, my release, my way out and to figure out what's up and down. But it didn't work this time. When I turned off the music the answer wasn't there, I didn't get my proverbial smack in the face or wake up call. Have I reached that point where nothing will work now and my game master is seeing through the bluffs and possible cheats?

To keep identities secret I will not go too deep into it, but I have been betrayed. I have been a puppet on a string for a while and I don't know what to do. The two people I have always depended on are no longer there and all my back ups have vanished. My mom is too busy with her new man and my best friend has more important things on her plate right now. After high school I kept a few friend. We were so close and told each other everything. But now I am alone. I have no one and I really hate having to meet new people. I don't know how anymore not to mention the fact that I wouldn't know where to start. It's just too complicated these days. This isn't 3rd grade when you walk up to someone and this happened
*Hi, my name is Melissa*
*Hi, I'm Lucy*
*Cool. Wanna be friends?*
*Sure.*
And the rest was history, you now had a friend for however long you wanted to keep them around.

I don't know anymore. Over the past year my whole life has been turned upside down and thrown into a tornado to land God knows where. With that, I am gonna go. I have babbled about nothing for way too long.

~ C~YA ~

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


9:16 PM
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Ryan Cabrera "Walking On Water"

Ryan Cabrera "Walking On Water"

Look at you now
Holdin' on by yourself
Baby don't doubt
You're walkin' on water
The light in your eyes
Flows from the inside
Beauty runs out
You're walking on water

You're everything you need
You're anything you want to be
And everything you are
Is here right now

The sun'll fall down
The shadows come out
Don't fear the clouds
You're walking on water

You're everything you need
You're anything you want to be
And everything you are
Is here right now

Life is a dream
Whatever you want it to be
Don't let it slip away
When love is here

You can call
Any time at all
Or if you need someone
To cushion your fall
You can lay me down

You're everything you need
You're anything you want to be
And everything you are
Is here right now

Life is a dream
Whatever you want it to be
Don't let it slip away
When love is here
So lay me down

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


2:13 PM
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Musical Posts

New Favorite Songs:


Ryan Cabrera "Fall Baby Fall"

If you just have faith
To let me be the man that I am
I'll always run back
To show you what words never can
I don't want to be the one just to love then lose

Let 'em fall baby fall
Just like the rain washes it all
If the tears will help you to heal
All that is real
All that is wrong
Let 'em fall baby fall

If you'll trust that I'm, gonna stay true even when I'm gone
You don't have to worry
'Cause i'll always be the man, that you want
And I don't want to be the one just to love then lose

Let 'em fall baby fall
Just like the rain washes it all
If the tears will help you to heal
All that is real
All that is wrong

As your world spins around
Feet never touch the ground
Always hurting inside
Hiding behind the sun
Waiting still for the love
But it all seems so right

You know what you need to do
And the tears will help to heal your heart
By all means let 'em fall
Let 'em fall
Just let 'em fall

Fall baby fall
Just like the rain washes it all
If the tears will help you to heal
All that is real
All that is wrong

Let 'em fall baby fall
Just like the rain washes it all
If the tears will help you to heal
All that is real
All that is wrong
Let 'em fall baby fall

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


1:43 PM
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Inside My Mind: Caution! Flying Objects!

Ever watch those time-laps things in school? Like in science when we learned about photosynthesis and all that crap we had to watch videos of growing plants and the plant went from a seed to a 150 year old oak tree in 2 minutes… Well, sometimes I feel like bits and pieces of my life is being recorded and played back over some kind of time-laps like that. It’s like you feel like everything is dragging on and on and on but then the next minute you turn around and 2 years are gone! Seriously! Where does the time go?

*Watching time go right out the window* ~ Linkin Park

Sorry, musical moment. Anyways! My day got off to a nicely messed up start! I can think of about 5 better words for that but I don’t know the age range of my non-existent readers! But somehow it ended a little nicer. Branden thru his nightly fit, Alicia turned into an angel around 7:30 thinking she would get to stay up later than Branden, and Josh crashed out on the couch watching football highlights with hid daddy. Awwww, gag me! Tried to wake him up but I think I am going to leave him there. Maybe I will fall asleep all sprawled out and comfy. That is if I can fall asleep…

So I have just spent forever and a flippin day on Themeworld.com trying to find a good new theme for my PC. Oh the joy! So I did find one and I am cool with it. It is late, I am tired, and I need to be up in a little bit to start the week and the school day routine all over again. Ah, the joys of parenthood. With any luck I will feel better tomorrow morning when I wake up. I have had a sore throat and sinus crap for 3 days now. Yuckie!

Well, I am out for now!
Ciao!!

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


12:54 AM
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Saturday, November 5


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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.
A very attractive blonde woman from Mississippi arrived and bet
twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said,
"I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled
the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the
dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and
her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.
Finally, one of them asked,
"What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."


Moral - Not all Mississipians are stupid and not all blondes are
dumb,
but all men are men.

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


12:17 PM
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Sunday, July 31


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*Hey sis, I understand you are having a hard time and I know how much a thanks really comes to help out. I know you are not really feeling thanked lately but from my family, you are very much appreciated. You have been there from day one and continue. That is something no one else has done! Your truly are a great friend and I do hope the sun shines again in your family. I love you sissy and if you need to just get away let me know.. k!! Smile, we have angels looking down on us!!*



my best friend of 10 yrs wrote this as a comment to one of my posts. She's PFC...

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


3:34 PM
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*new favorite song*
NATASHA BEDINGFIELD LYRICS" These Words"
These words are my own
Threw some chords together
The combination D-E-F
Is who I am, is what I do
No one’s gonna lay it down for you
Try to focus my attention
But I feel so A-D-D
I need some help, some inspiration
(But it’s not coming easily)
Whoah oh…
Trying to find the magic
Trying to write a classic
Don’t you know, don’t you know, don’t you know?
Waste-bin full of paper
Clever rhymes, see you later
These words are my own
From my heart flow
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you
There’s no other way
To better say
I love you, I love you...
Read some Byron, Shelly and Keats
Recited it over a Hip-Hop beat
I’m having trouble saying what I mean
With dead poets and drum machines
I know I had some studio time booked
But I couldn’t find a killer hook
Now you’ve gone & raised the bar right up
Nothing I write is ever good enough
These words are my own
From my heart flow
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you
There’s no other way
To better say
I love you, I love you…
I’m getting off my stage
The curtains pull away
No hyperbole to hide behind
My naked soul exposes
Whoah.. oh.. oh.. oh.. Whoah.. oh..
Trying to find the magic
Trying to write a classic
Waste-bin full of paper
Clever rhymes, see you later
These words are my own
From my heart flow
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you
That's all I got to say,
Can't think of a better way,
And that's all I've got to say,
I love you, is that okay?

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


3:25 PM
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Monday, March 14


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…Ready, Set, Rant…

So I haven’t blogged in a while, wich means this may be rrreeeaaalllyyy long.
Quick reference:
John is my Dad
Dawn is my Stepmom
Gram is Dawn’s mom
Kearstin is my sister

As if I didn’t bitch and complain about my childhood enough, it is now coming back to haunt me. January 28 my stepmom died. Suicide. Since then it has been one thing after another. My Dad and little sister have been pretty messed up with it all, so I have been there to help them and comfort them. First of all, no one person seemed to care that I too lost someone. Everyone in her family just kind of sort of sat there and acted as if I was just someone there. I was nowhere mentioned as someone in her life. At both services I was totally ignored. Her stepsister and stepbrother were mentioned but her stepdaughter wasn’t.

Suddenly all attention is on Kearstin. Apparently she is the one most affected by Dawn’s death. My dad even stated that he feels as though no one takes his feelings into consideration when it comes to this. My mom’s family and some friends all expressed their sympathy to me, but that was about it. Now, here comes the unappreciated Me. Suddenly I am at my dad’s beckon call. I am now picking up a lot of the slack. I have gotten a few thank yous and maybe one I appreciated it from dad. A few days after Dawn died, dad needed his medications from the pharmacy. Only problem, Dawn worked at that pharmacy and dad couldn’t bring himself to go in there. I totally understand that so I told him I would get them.

Well, a couple of days ago I realized it had been about 3 weeks since his last refill. Being nice, I call up the pharmacy and had the pharmacist (a close family friend) look to see if dad needed refills. He did, but he had 0 remaining. I called up dad and told him he needed to call his doctor and have the refills called in. He was all like *ok*. The next day I called to remind him. Again, *ok*. Well, about 4 days go by and no word on anything. So I call up the pharmacy again. His refills are ready to be picked up, and had been for 3 days. So I went and got them. No thank you or any acknowledgment. Then it’s all about Kearstin, suddenly all her shit is more important than everyone else’s and so is dad’s. I am doing everything he asks of me and then some, but he could give a shit.

After Dawn died, arrangements were made by her mom and dad for everyone to get something of hers as a keepsake. Everyone got something that was special in it’s own way and tied that person to Dawn. I got nothing. So Gram drops off a bunch of stuff to my dad’s and he can’t bare to look at it let alone go through it all. Guess who is summoned for the task. Yeah, me. I had to go through all of Dawn’s clothes to make sure nothing of Kearstin’s was in there by mistake. At this point dad says that I can have some of her clothes. The last thing I needed was to be given a dead woman’s clothes. But hey, I needed something of hers’.
I don’t want to hate my dad the way I did before. I don’t want to resent my family the way I did. All this was when I was raising dad and Dawn’s adopted daughter for them. I never was thanked for that. Whenever I had something big to tell them, some milestone I made in school, a great achievement. All that was said is *that’s nice, did you clean the house and make dinner yet?* It was a seldom occurrence to go on a date or hang out with friends. I was not allowed to get a job or do anything for myself. This is what led to my nervous breakdown at age 17. Not to mention the fact that I now find out they helped ruin my damn credit!

I don’t mind helping them out, I want to. They need me and I need them. But come on now! Kearstin gets nominated for the Disney Dreamers and Doers award so dad takes her out to dinner. No one ever celebrated shit for me. I don’t even get birthday presents! He tells Kearstin that she is the most important thing in his life and how he loves her so much and she is his favorite. But I can’t even get a fucking *thanks Melissa, I really appreciated your help and support*. Why do I put myself through all this?

Years ago I didn’t know how to deal with all this crap and I still don’t. I would stuff it all down inside. All my anger all my frustrations, just ignored it all. And I have found myself doing all over again. I can’t keep doing it. I have no one to turn to who will understand. I am just so sick of being ignored and unappreciated. I am starting to really hate my dad again. Maybe I am not as important as Kearstin, maybe I wasn’t as big a part of Dawn’s life as I thought. And after being told countless times how I am nothing and will amount to nothing, how I am stupid, and Satan’s offspring….you start to believe it. What your parents say always holds a small amount of validity and I guess that really sucks now huh.

Told ya it would be long.

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


6:59 PM
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...Get Ready For A Rant...

As if I didn't bitch and complain about my childhood enough. Here is what's been going down lately. My stepmom passed on January 28. Suicide. Since then I have been picking up some of the slack. But what bothers me is my dad seems to not even notice that I am helping him in any way. I have gotten a few *thank yous* and maybe one *I appreciate it*. But other than that, he acts as though I am obligated to do every little thing. Even if he doesn't say something about it.

He has found it vertually impossible to go to the pharmacy to get his meds and all, seeing as that's where Dawn worked. I totally understand that part of it. So I offered to pick up his meds for him. He thanked me. But here is where I started to have a little problem with the whole thing. I noticed that it had been roughly 3 weeks since I did a med run for him last, so I call up the pharmacy and asked a close friend, whom happens to be the pharmacist, if dad needed any refills yet. She looked in the computer at his file and he needed his blood presure meds. BUT! He had 0 refills remaining.

I called dad up and told him what I did and told him he needed to call the doctor and get the meds refilled. He was all like, oh, ok. No thank you. So then the next day I called him to remind him to call the doctor. 4 or 5 days go by and I have heard nothing about the meds. I called up the pharmacy and the doc had called in his refills and they had been waiting for almost 4 days now. So I go get them. I did that all on my own and he acted like it was an everyday thing.

Then Kearstin gets this Disney Dreamers and Doers award, she got nominated from her school. They wrote a beautiful nomination for her and it was truly touching. The next day I get a call from dad and Kearstin, they are on their way to dinner to celebrate. When I got promotions in ROTC or any award or anything like that, the typical responce was something along the lines of *well did you get the house cleaned up and make dinner yet*? WTF is that about?

My whole life I was degraded and frowned upon, no matter how hard I tried or what I did. Nothing ever made a difference to anyone. I did everything in my dad's house including raising THEIR adopted child for them. That went on for about 3 or 4 years. No one ever told me I was doing a good job. This was the leading cause of my nervous break-down. I was 17 and having the stress and nervous conditions of a 40 year old woman. I flunked out of high school despite my dreams and goals of becoming a doctor. For what, just to take care of my little sister, to make sure the whole household did not have a lengthy chore list. Yet, I still got in trouble for every stupid thing I did, including failing my classes and being totally exhausted.

I was not allowed to get a job, it was seldom that I got to go on a date or hang out with my friends. My dad went as far as leaving me a message one day telling me I was not his child and that I was the offspring of Satan. I was in a constant state of depression, feeling as though I was the most useless person on earth. When you are told that you will never amount to anything in life, that you are a nobody, nothing, worthless, and dumb, well eventually you begin to believe it. Everything your parents say always holds at least a small amount of validity behind it.

All of those feeling are now flooding over me again, consuming me with negitiveity, feelings of worthlessness, and betrayal. I do not know how to deal with this again. When I was younger, I bottled all of the frustrations and anger I had. Now, I am begining to do the same thing. I did not know how to do this before and I still find myself in the middle of a dark forest with nowhere to go, no one to turn to that can help.

I do not want to hate my dad the way I once did. I do not want to resent my family and feel abandoned yet again. At the same time, I do not want to turn my back on them. Kearstin needs me, she just lost her mother, she needs me to turn to for *girlie* stuff. I have done everything dad has aked and then some, but I cannot just turn away from him. I don't care if he wants me to do things for him, I want to help him when he needs it, but is a *thank you* too much to ask for? Is an *I'm sorry buddy* to much? Is it so hard for him to show his love for me?

Why is it that he tells Kearstin she is the most important thing in his life and he loves her the most, but he can't even buy me a fucking birthday presesnt? This may be all so childish and immature, but I have been dealing with the same shit for years now and I am so sick and tired of it all. According to dad all Kearstin's problems are much worse than mine, and so are his.

When Dawn died, no one even bothered to acknowledge me as part of her life. I was mentioned nowhere. Everyone asked who that girl and her kids were mourning along side John. When it came time for everyone in the family to take a momento from her home to remember her by, I was in the dark. I ended up with the thing I wanted the least. I got a call from dad telling me that Dawn's mom had brought all of her extra clothes over and I needed to go through them to see if Kearstin had anything in the bags, then he told me that if I wanted I could go ahead and take a few things for myself. Didn't I get the shit end of the stick. Who wants a dead person's clothes?! But I needed something of hers.

These people think I didn't love her or something. They think that just because I was her *step-daughter* I was not important enough for any kind of sympathy and comfort. My mom's side of the family some friends and Josh's family are the only people who said *I am sorry* or *is there anything we can do*. I am starting to think that Kearstin is more important than me, that I wasn't as big a part of Dawn's life than I thought, and that I am just everyone's bitch. I must have done some severely bad shit in my past life to get all this BS now.

Dawn used to ask me about my life, how my health was and how I was holding up. Now my dad doesn't seem to give two shits and a fuck what's going on in my life. When I say something about a doctor's visit or my health, he just says *really, well, stay on top of that*. Nothing like, *well how did it go?* *Is your heart ok or is it getting worse?* It's as if my mom and my birth are so far in my dad's past, that he is over it and doesn't care anymore. Not surprising.

This post has become a lot longer than I anticipated. But I had to get it all off my chest. It didn't really do any good though. I am sure I will have a lot more to rant about another time. Until then...Tah

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


5:55 PM
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Monday, July 12


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OWWWWIIIEEE

Last night, I lie in my bed, silently, tears streaming down my face. The ever so familiar burning pain of my bad back tormenting my every thought. Luckily I had the support of a loved one, and the mentality that *pain is temporary*. After an hour of excruciating pain, it let off and allowed me slight freedom.

Ok, so I totally sounded like a retard! LOL I could write a well spoken book and not sound like a HS drop out..... Maybe? Yah think? Any rate, So i am pricing trips to NY. I really want to go home! I miss the actual seasons, the leaves changing, the smell of the air, the peace and quiet of a small town. So Amtrak wants $352.50 for me and the kids. Not too shabby! South West airlines wants like 160 each way, per person. I can easily save up for it, but now I will seriously need a cell for up there. No way no how and i taking a train for like 2 days and not have anyone to talk to! Then, I am so not going to rack up grandma's phone bill.

So if anyone wants to loan me a cellie......Let me know!!!! I have a pre-paid phone, but $10 only gives you 30 minutes talk time. Yeah, not happening! Oh well, I will figure something out. Maybe I can get a job or something. Yeah, and do what with the kids? LOL Anywho, I should prolly go now. Luv You All Dearly!

~PeAcE~

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


12:33 PM
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Friday, July 9


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......Uhg, Uhg, and more Uhg......

So yah know how everyone has their own tell tale signs of stress, and the beginnings of a breakdown. Yeah, well, Today *as I force fed myself* I realized I am way too stressed out to think, eat, or function on a normal level.

I am hungry, but I cannot find it in myself to eat! I hate it when that happens. I try not to think about things, but I am a mom. It is my job to think and worry. Plus there is like a million and one things that are on my mind, but sucks to be you, b/c for once I have deemed them too private for my blog. LMAO!!!

On a depressing note...
We took Branden in for his speech evaluation the other day. Well, I knew he was a little behind. But not for one second had I ever imagined how far exactly that was. He is at like 2 yrs 5 months........And now they want an OT eval b/c they are thinking he has sensory intergration disorder.....dont ask!

So on that note...I have to go clean, I have mad company coming over this weekend!

PeACe

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


4:21 PM
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Sunday, July 4


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This is mine, written and thought by ME! So no stealin it!

Would You...

If I cut all my hair off
And Gain some weight
Become a yoga freak
And learn to meditate
Go on large shopping sprees
Every now and then
How would you feel?
Would you love me then?

If I wear thick glasses
And big baggy clothes
Get lots of tattoos
And pierce my nose
Have a drink
Maybe here and there
How would you feel?
Would you still be there?

If I became sick
An incurable sort of sick
Got hit by a car
Recognizable, by far
Became an old lady
Rude, crude, and snide
How would you feel?
Would you remain by my side?

I would for you...
~M.B.W~

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


11:15 PM
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Monday, June 21


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FrustrateD

I am sure you have all heard of Karma. Well, there are several different views on Karma. One is the Eastern Philosophies. This states that a soul must be reborn a number of times until, basically, they get it right. It also says that if you are a *negitive* person in your past life, then your soul shall carry a karmic debt in the next. Now I get this e-mail from some wacko (I hope she is) internet psychic. She says she has an urgent message. Well she goes on and on about like nothing then says the reason I have such shitty luck is because I have *karmic debt*.

What would you think of this????
So I guess I was like this really mean person in my last life or some life before it. That is, if all this Karma stuff is true.

Also, recently my great aunt passed away. She was/is my mom's aunt. Well, I have had family members *pass* before her, but none of them were as close to me as she is/was. But for some reason (maybe it's denile)I am not as upset as I thought I would be. I cried, yeah. But I didn't slump into a great depression, nor did I flip out when my grandma told me. I don't know what this means. Have I become a heartless biotch? Or do i (subconciously) know she is MUCH better off where she is, or that I will see her again? I don't know....just something that was on my mind.

But I have to go call my sissy now.....I love you all......I think??? LOL

~PeAcE~

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


8:28 PM
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Friday, June 18


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Hi People In Cyber Space

Well, yesterday, I entered this Father's day contest for Josh. The local radio station was hosting it. So I typed up the e-mail about why he should win...HE DID!! He won for Thursday! I feel weird about it, b/c I told my story about last summer and the whole near death thing. It's all true, but I almost felt like I was saying *Hi everyone, please pity us b/c I almost died and in the process, our whole lives got f@$!ed up. So please say this poor man should win*. Oh I don't know. But he is happy, and that is what matters...Right?

Anywho! I have kinda sorta become friends with one of the DJ's from the station. It's weird right! I email her a lot b/c she has this section on her bio site with a journal and she will ask for tips and all. So me being me, I give her tips and all. Well, we ended up talking on AIM for quite a while off and on tonight.....and she really is sweet! I like her. And as we all know...I HAVE LIKE NO LIFE AND LIKE 2 FRIENDS!!!!! So I think she is helping me here! LOL

Well, I talked to my sissy a lot today. She is doing pretty damn good up in good ole Tennessee. LOL Amanda in TN! What's next? Me having a house and good credit?! LMAO But that's that.

I also talked to Jesse!!! YAY!! He lives!! LOL... Branden is so sweet sometimes. Yesterday he curled up with me in my bed and just kinda hung out there for a long while. AliciA is going to grow or somethin soon. All she has done for the past 2 days is slept and ate. She even fell asleep in my arms while I rocked her in the chair tonight!! WTF is up with this???!!!

I am so ti~red, no, not tired, but Ti~Red.

Ti~Red; the occasional feeling in which human eyes become unbearably heavy and emotions are uncontrollable, the ability to engage in intelligible conversation becomes absent (also see PMS, and motherhood)

LOL, GTG!

~PeAcE BaBeS~

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


11:20 PM
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Thursday, June 17


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I don't know why this made me laugh so damn hard...but it did. So for your enjoyment, tonight we have an e~mail about cats...LOL


How To Wash Kitty Kitty

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the
noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a
"power-wash" and "rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the
bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog


~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


10:22 PM
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I have never been one to run from my problems...but latly I see why others do.

My son, just turned 4 years old, still won't take a shit in the damn toilet! My daughter, just turned 1, won't be happy unless to give her what she wants when she wants it! I am at my wits end with these two!!!

Josh, completely freakin oblivious as to what my life consists of. He won't let me get a job...*you know what happens to you when you get too stressed out and when you worry about the kids*.... any taketrs on this one? Can we say Intenssive Care Unit at nearest hospital? Yeah, that's me lil miss ICU mom. LOL

But what Josh does not understand that being in this god foresaken apartment day after day not having people to talk to or places to go, drives me up the freakin walls! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! I seriously can't wait to go to my dad's house. Oh, but wait! Even there...my group of buddies, yeah, no longer there or interested in hanging out with someone who has kids. Half of them don't even write back or return my calls!

This happens to me like clock work. It's the Melissa 2 year cycle of life. Every 2 years I have some sort of nevous break down and end up hating everyone I see cept my babies. Then I casually go back to Oviedo and try to have the life I did when I was 18, but it never lasts more than a few weeks, and I end up back at the begining.

My whole life there has been something in my way. Something inbetween me and the rest of the world. I hate to say it but the majority of my life it has been my father or father figure. Now I have Josh over here who gives me shit for visiting my mother for the day. I get there and 30 minutes later he starts calling me! *When are you coming home?.....*I want to spend time with you*. P~UH~LEASE!!! That man's idea of quality time is laying on the couch watching, yours truly, do the daily thing....cooking, cleaning, feeding, and wishing I were not at home...oh well......such is lofe.

~PeAcE~

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


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Monday, June 14


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Me MySelF & KidS

I am missin my sis! She is all the way in TN :( But it's all for the better. She really needed to get out of the God foresaken state and get a little air, stretch her leggies, and chill.

Anyrate.........
I have a family friend's kiddo here for a while. I am helping out for the summe. I don't know what else to say right now, I am in pain so needless to say I am well medicated! LOL ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!

~PeAcE OuT BaBy~

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


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Tuesday, June 1


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This is a pretty cute e~mail I got the other day from my daddy dearest.......EnJoY!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 183 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors
by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and
condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement
was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, he speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every
move. Due to his current placement in the high metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time ....

TeeHee

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


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"Broken"

*Shaun*
I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain, away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

*Amy & Shaun*
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away
*Shaun*
You've gone away, you don't feel me, anymore

*Amy w/ a lil Shaun*
The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain, away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

*Amy & Shaun*
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

*Amy & Shaun*
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

*Amy & Shaun*
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
You've gone away
You don't feel me here anymore

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


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Monday, May 31


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Ahhhhh, Music, My Release...

So ok, I love music! LOL There is a new song out by Seether and Amy Lee from Evanescence. It's called Broken and I do believe it is my new favorite. I have to go to the dentist tomorrow!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! *sobs*

I hate the dentist. Probably b/c the only time I go it's b/c something is really wrong with me. *Doh* It's not like I don't brush.....I have like a family tree of bad teeth! I swear! I really hope my kids don't get it. I think BJ may be getting there though. *Damnit*.......

.......So we had subs from Publix *yummy* and went to the pool!!! *yay* We all got a lil sun. It was cool.

Oh, and why is it that I am fine *allergy wise* until I start to drink? Not that I was like getting drunk, but I had a Smirnoff Twisted, and my allergies start in with the sinus thing. Hello! You are not supposed to take Benadryl while drinking! So what did I do? I took it....lol....So if I start to make like little or no sense, that's why. If it's any consolation, I think I am becoming amino to the big B.

Oh well, I am so babbling now.....I guess I hould go for now. Luv ya, Luv ya's

~(~@ PeAcE BaBy @~)~

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


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Saturday, May 29


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Starting To Feel Like Amanda!

.......really, I am!
Mom is all yelling at me today about how I don't feed my son right. WTF ever! Have you ever tried to feed a 4 year old boy? He will eat what he wants and when. I do not believe in starving your kids or forcing them to eat what you eat. They will eventually grow to like things. Then there is the potty training thing. Hello! Was she not there when we announced he was a little slow, well let's just say he marches to a different beat.

Then she starts in on me about how they will get brain damage sitting in my van that has no AC. Can I help that? I do not have 500 or 1000 bux to take the damn thing in and get it fixed. Sor-fuckin-ry! Today, we had a pretty good day with Branden. He went in the potty 5 times!!!!! And when we were at mom's he had a small pee in his pull up and then he unleashed the rest on the pot. That was VERY good. He was rewarded :) I swear, the woman never looks at the progress he makes, just that he isn't talking much better and that he is still in pull ups.

I'm sorry, but I got tired of making nice dinners and watching it get thrown (literaly* thrown at me when he didn't want it. I try and sneak things, like putting meat in his sauce with his pasta, but the he will see it and pull out all the noodles and only eat them. He lives on string cheese, and is there a big problem with that? I do not load him up on candy and sugary shit, b/c I know he is more likely to get diabetes b/c of me. Oh I don't know.....

Any suggestion?


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~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


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Wednesday, May 26


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*Sobbing Loudly*


Well, Alicia's birthday came and went. I haven't updated b/c I feel like if I write about it then it really did happen. But I can't ignore it forever now can I. I cannot believe it has been a year already!!!

It's like I blinked and she was sleeping all night, then babbling, then crawling, talking, etc......... I am creepin up on my 1 year no *Aunt Flow* aniversery or something. Yep, that's it. No more kids! I should probably be somewhat happy about this. But I think that's what makes watching Alicia grow up so fast is so painful. I know I will never do it again!

But that's what grandkids are for. I get to spoil them rotten and watch my kids get as pissed off at me as I get at my mom. LOL Oh I don't know. Well anyways. I guess I should go and color or something. Yeah yeah yeah..... I still color. Mom says it's theraputic! ROFLMAO!!! No It's b/c I am not 44 I am 23 in a 10 y/o state of mind.

I finaly realiz4ed why I never had a lot of friends as a kid. I was coloring in Branden's play house thingie, and I gave him a marker and told him to color a certain spot a certain color. Well, he starts to color and goes out of the line. So I told him to be careful and to stay in the lines. He's all like....ok, whatever. So he keeps going and ends up coloring a pink part green and I am all like no, gimme the marker! And it hit me. Not only do I treat him like my little bro rather than my son, but....this is why I played with the boys who didn't color. We played football and beat the living shit out of each other.

I am so not right!!!!

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


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Sunday, May 23


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.........Ok, I'm back...

Well, So yeah, tomorrow is Ali's big day. One whole year?!?!?!?! WOW!

Have any of you ever tried to teach someone a lesson and it blows up in you face? That's what happened to me yesterday. I thought Josh had called in sick, he didn't, so on that note, he slept all day why? So I packed up my little bag and went to help mommy move. I told him that I know for a fact I am going to get whatever the hell he has and no one is going to take time from their own days to help me. So why does the world have to come to a halt when he gets the sniffles? I guess something sank in, b/c this morning I woke up as bad as he was yesterday so he went to the store *with both kids* and bought me flowers, some cold/flu stuff and he ordered Alicia's cake.

I have not had a smokie for over 3 hours now. I am shocked! And proud, and nickin'! Big time. Lets see, what else is up? I am still in shock about Laura. But I think that is expected of almost everyone who ever knew she existed. So i guess this will be my second funeral. Ironically, the only other one I have gone to was related to ROTC also. Go figure.

!I HAVE NO SMOKIES!

I have been coloring for about a week now. Mom says it's theraputic. Sure.....LOL......But I have noticed that I tune the kids out easier when I am coloring. I guess I have been adicted to coloring ever since my uncle Fred used to buy me crayons and all like every week. that's all I ever did when I was little. That and go to the beach. But I guess when we grow up we find comfort in the things we liked as kids. Kinda like comfort food. But with me it's comfort colors! LOL.....

I really should get going.....Benadryl is starting to kick my ass. About time too, I ended up taking like 4 in 3 hours....

PeAcE

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


11:28 PM
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Well, This has been a rough week...

As you all have probably heardon the news, there was a sailor missing. Well, she was a pretty good friend of mine back in High School. So, all week I have been talking to people I really haven't heard from in a long while. We have all caught up on life and shared our feelings and all that jazz. Randy put it best when he said *if they have a service here in town, it will just be a big ROTC reunion*.

Tomorrow is Alicia's 1st Birth Day!!! After Branden's cake episode, I got her cake for free! Plus she gets a free *smash cake* from Publix. It's a little round cake they give kids for their first birth day so they can *smash* it all over themselves.


More later.

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


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Sunday, May 16


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Where to begin???

Well, have you ever woken up and just known it was going to be an *off* day? That was yesterday. I got up , woke everyones else up and kinda felt that the day was off. Well, I keep checking to see where mom is. Not home. So needless to say I don't call her. We go to WallyWorld (WalMart) and let Branden (kinda) pick out his own present. He picks out this pop up cardboard playhouse that you color on. Nifty idea! But then I see a little bike with training wheels, he didn't want it until I told him we could take it to the park and he could ride it. Then he damn near threw the playhouse thing at me.

Well, then we are off to Publix for the cake. Get there and I tell them the name the order is under. They say they don't have anything. So I tell the lady that is said happy birthday Branden on it. So the other lady is all like *Ohh, I have one of those* and she brings it over for me to see. WRONG CAKE DIPSHIT! This cake said it, and was spelled right and my name was on the order, but the cake was white with blue lettering! I ordered a damn Dora The Explorer cake! SO I kinda half went off. The lady is all like I can fix it. 15 minutes.

So we walk around the store get a few things we needed and go back to the bakery where they are still working on it. SO more walking (and spending) for a while. Then, finaly! It's done. I didn't look at the price, but they upped the charge $3 b/c now it's a Nick JR cake! So I am now an hour late for the cake cutting. My mom was supposed to be here at 12ish for it and Amanda had been here for almost 2 hours.....ALONE! When I finaly get here, mom has left a message, she says she has left and will be back later. So I call her friends cell...

*I will be home sometime later, don't wait for me to cut the cake.* I thought that meant 4-5 like she said. We did the cake at 3ish. The whole time Branden was asking for his Mina! That bitch! Any rate. I open the cake box and the top layer is falling off. I called the bakery and went off on the asst. manager. He has a refund waiting for me.

Mom ends up coming home after 8 and Branden is in bed. I go over there and tell her he is in bed, she asks me why, whats wrong. I juust starred at her and said *IT'S PAST HIS BEDTIME! THAT'S WHY*! I could have strangled her right there on the spot! Any other day I would not care, but on his birthday!?!?!?!?!?!?! What's wrong with her?

There is sooooooooo, much more to say, but I cannot. I really cannot keep this up, I am going to have a damn stroke.

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


4:35 PM
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All I have to say is.... WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE THESE DAYS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I am still soooooo pissed off that I can not tell you how horrid this day has been. How can my 4 year old son's birthday be horrid you ask? Well, tune in tomorrow, or the next day (whenever I cool down) to find out..........

PeAcE

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


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Saturday, May 15


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Well, Technically Branden's birthday isn't for another 11 hours or so. But OMG I cannot believe he is 4!!!!! I have been having the battle of the potty training in my house for like years now! I swear this child is destine to be in pull ups for eternity! But today after his routine accident, I turned off the TV and told him why...Well he was realy quick to go sit on the toilet and find this drop of pee in the deep dark recesses of his bladder. So, he got to watch his shows....I WIN!!!!!

Tomorrow we have Amanda, Tifferz, Mike, Mom, maybe Alexis (sweet)and naturally us.....We'll see how this goes. Josh couldn't get the day off, however! He did manage to get Darice to let him come in at 5 instead of noon or earlier. YAY! I WIN......AGAIN!!!! *evil laugh*

OMG! OMG! OMG!
Alicia cut a front top tooth!!!!!! Her left one. I saw it yesterday and was all like WOW...You aren't a freak after all! LOL She had a BAD very BAD day today. She cried like all day. Cried, ate, and slept. Which mean.........you guessed it GROWTH SPURT! Like I have the money for another shopping spree....C'mon Amanda! Cough up the old baby clothes! LOL.....

I am feeling a lil better today, finaly! My throat hasn't hurt all that much, but my sinuses are still completely screwed. I never had a big problem with allergies until this year! I can't believe it. But from what my girlie Dawnelle was telling me, there is certainly something in the air this year....no pun intended. She has it so bad her doctor actually had to perscribe her an inhaler! I already have one, but thats' insane!

Oh well, I need to try and get a lil rest before tomorrow! OMG, 4 years.......Some new links will be up as soon as I figure out how to get it to work....C~Ya's L8RZ

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


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Monday, May 10


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Alrighty Then...

I sign in to my blogger thingie and they have gone and changed it all... It's kind of like going to AOL.com, weird dude, totaly trippy.

So happy mother's day to any mom's who read this thing. I had a rough mommy's day. First I was sick, then my kids were freakin CRAZY!!! and my sissy was having a bad day too. So I take the kids to mom's and we hung there for a bit until we wanted to go to DQ. We get Branden a Blizzard and he doesn't eat it! WTF was he thinking!?!?!?! But Josh brought me some yummy food from work so it was all good.

Today I feel like crapola still but maybe a lil better than yesterday. I am completely drugged up on Benadryl so I get really tired now and then. That's when I either fight it or take advantage of it. Josh has two days off now so I may get some much needed rest :) Maybe......

Alicia:
Well, let's just say she is a LUNATIC!!! She was totaly fussy (bitchy, if you wanna be technical about it) for 3 days. Well today I am getting her dressed and I was tickling her, she put her head back and I see something.....ANOTHER TOOTH!!!! But finaly this one is on top. She snuck it in. This is how weird my kid is. She has 3 and 1/2 teeth on the bottom, all in front. Then on top she has 1 that has hardly broke the skin....NOT in front, the damn thing is on the side!!! WTF is that about?!?!?!?!?!

Branden:
Well, Branden is Branden. For about 3-4 days now he has acted like a crackhead! Mom and I said we were waiting for him to come off of his high. LOL Seriously! I don't know what has gotten into him! He won't sit still and he won't be quiet for more than 2 seconds. As soon as I start to talk he just amplifies himself. As if he weren't loud enough? So yeah, I have had a rough few days.

I do believe that is it for now.........I think :/ If I do happen to think of anything else worthy of blogging, I'll let ya'll know...PromisE.

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


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Friday, May 7


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???So how much of a brat do I sound like???

My mom has lived across the street from me for a year now. Before that, yeah I was in Orlando...but everytime I lived in Tampa she has been like right there. Well, her and Tom bought a house. Now she is going to move like 15 minutes away. She is all like *what are we going to do?* On that note I figured she and I would be spending a lot of time together until she moves. WRONG! Maybe I am being selfish, maybe a brat. Either way I am pissed off. I know my mother.

Once she moves away, I won't see her often at all. Yeah, I am on her way home from work now, but it's going to be *Oh honey i am tired, I'll come over tomorrow* a week later I may see her. And God-the-hell-forbid I go see her! Tom is already being an ass about me going to HER apartment when he is there!!! I don't know what the hell to do now. I NEVER get a break from life! For one day, I would like to stay in bed for the day and watch TV. By that I mean in my own bed with my own TV. It seems like everytime I wish for a day in bed I end up in the ICU. Doesn't count!

So yeah, I am a littl ehormonal right now. I asked mom to take me to the store to get some new pull ups for Branden (easy up suck ass!) and she's all like Tom hasn't been over in 3 days. Boo-fucking-hoo!!!!!! I don't see Josh for like 16 hours a day and when he gets home I am ready to drop. But you don't see me ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,more l8r

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


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Thursday, May 6


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The other day i sign into my blog and get an invite from blogger to join the new Google Mail! Like I need another email addy!!!! So of course I signed up.....:/

Alicia is cutting MORE teeth! It's like she was toothless for so long and out of nowhere she cuts all these damn teeth! Whatelse?.....ummmmm........... Oh yeah! So did I mention I am almost completely deaf in one ear? Yeah, that's what i get for sticking my damn finger in there to itch it. I guess if I hadn't had my nails done it wouldn't have been that bad! LOL Yeah, even I do REALLY stupid ish on a daily basis.

Branden had like 2 rough days. Well he probably didn't notice, and the roughness fell on me and Josh, but it was caused by him. Josh made a nice point yesterday. Dr. A put him on the sleeping meds thinking maybe he wasn't getting enough sleep or something along those lines was causing his hyperactive BS. Well, it's been 2 months of meds now and his attitude hasn't gotten much better. Yeah, he goes to bed and wakes up at MUCH better times, but I don't think that was it/ Granted I know how to deal with him now and he doesn't get as out of control as often these days. Oh well, such is life.......

!BRB BABY NAP TIME!


OK, all better. I miss doing that with Branden. Just seeing his eyes get puffy, knowing he is tired and being able to cuddle for a sec then plop him in his crib for an hour. These days, he gets tired and I try and take advantage of it by sitting with him and all I get is *No, mommy, shoo, my couch, go away!*. He thinks he is king shit! OMG! This is funny....kinda. My mom spoils the kids, (like any grandma would) well, yesterday i was letting Josh sleep in. Branden is pretty quiet in the AM. So he is on the couch getting all comfy, well he wraps himself up in a blanket and desides he wants his Bed-Bed (his pillow). *Mom? Bed-Bed, Please* so I'm all like ok go get it. *NO mom You get it NOW!* What the hell was this child thinking!!!???!!! SO of course I am all like *oh no you didn't....No Branden you want bed-bed you go get it.* *No mommy!!! I want my white bed-bed now! Got get my bed-bed!*. After that I did the ignor it thing. Even though I was about to burst out laughing, or scream at him. Either way he would have had some sort of saticfaction. Here's where it gets good.

I call mom to tell her. She laughs it off and tells me when she was watching him the other day he took a soda into her room, ok not abnormal...... He puts it on the dresser by the tv and gets on the bed. He is laying there with his arms behind his head all comfy and grown looking. He starts yelling for my mom *MINA MINA* so mom goes in the room to see what he wants. Branden looks at her and says *Mina, soda, please?* Seeing as how he asked her nicely she gave it to him. Well, now he thinks that he can lay there and have people wait on him hand and foot! He must have seen it on TV or something. No one in this house is THAT lazy!

I so did not want to wake up this morning! I swear people think that just because I am a stay home mom, I am on a vacation 24/7!!!! Hello! NO FREAKIN WAY DUDES!!!!! Let me inform all of you readers out there.....I wake up, before I can even start the coffee, I have to get food and drink for 2 other little demanding people. If I am lucky, I can get away with changing their diapers then doing the food thing. When this happens I get to make coffee!

After everyone eats, I may get a pee break, and that's only if Branden isn't on one toilet with Josh on the other, then I am SOL until someone gets done. By this time, Ali is screamin to get down and crawl around. Normally I am really not awake enough to hawk-eye the child. So, sometimes she is ok with being in her saucer next to BJ watching Dora (female satan) being somewhere where she can watch my every move. When I get my first quiet minutes, I either pee and check mail or just check mail. On a good day, I get to play a game of pool and drink a cup of coffee in silence for like 10 minutes.

That is just my first 30-60 minutes awake. Don't even ask about the rest of the day. My first real brake comes when Ali takes her afternoon nap (between 2 & 4) that is when BJ should be taking a nap but seeing as how he gave his naps up....he watches TV or plays quietly (shocker) until he gets up. After that all hell brakes loose until someon e goes to bed.

Tonight is the last Friends EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so gonna be watching it, So Amanda....from 8-11 I am so not on the phone! LOL Sorry sis. After Friends is ER....YAY, I wonder how much longer that will last? After ER is gone, I don't know what I will do onm Thur. nights!!!

~ Love * Love ~
~(~@ ~M~ @~)~


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